WASHINGTON – At a dramatic press conference on the steps of the Capitol today, two prominent Republican legislators declared that "we have found the weapons of mass destruction" and said the discovery "fully justifies a massive military response against the regime responsible for harboring such evil."
Senator Rick Saneless (R-Twlight Zone) and Rep. Pete Huckster (R-Bagmansky) produced copious documentation for their claims, handing out U.S. government reports giving the exact location of massive stockpiles of chemical weapons – almost 20,000 metric tons of skin-peeling, gut-boiling ordnance designed "to inflict the most horrible suffering imaginable in the most indiscriminate fashion possible," they said.
"What kind of country would build such a Luciferian arsenal if there wasn't a malign intent behind it?" said Saneless. "Or are we supposed to believe that this WMD-mad regime thought that eating out the eyeballs of your foes with monstrous goo was a legitimate method of national defense? I don't think so."
Huckster pointed to a recent article in the Washington Post as confirmation of the duo's charges. "Now, I don't always see eye to eye with the Post," Huckster said with a chuckle as he gave a nearby Post reporter an affectionate blow to the head. "They're a bunch of jihadi traitors just like the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times and every other newspaper in America except the Wall Street Journal and the Sump City Tribune that my Uncle Jasper runs back home. But this story sure does have the lowdown on the skinny of this WMD thing. They are reporting the facts that the godless liberal media have been too scared to report."
The Post reported that the controversial regime's stated plans to destroy its chemical weapons – first bruited as a modest $2 billion program in 1987 – has ballooned into a $28 billion bureaucratic nightmare which has disposed of only a third of the stockpile. The regime has announced that it will be unable to meet a treaty-imposed deadline of 2007 for destroying the entire arsenal, an effort which the regime's authoritarian government now says will take well into the next decade.
"These stockpiles were supposed to have been destroyed," said Saneless. "There were solemn treaties signed to this effect, great oaths taken before the world – but we all know what the sworn word of a rogue state is worth: diddly-squat. Stinky-poo. 'Oh, we're getting rid of them, they'll all be gone by 2007' – that was the promise.Yet the weapons of mass destruction are still there – not degraded and useless, like those rotting, pre-Gulf War shells that a couple of self-promoting goons around here were making such a big noise about lately. No, these shells are hale and hearty, good to go, ready and willing, hot to trot, like some lascivious homosexual all greased and oiled in a furtive doorway, tempting good godly family men into a night of fierce unholy pleasures that—
"Uh, yes, I would just like to echo what my esteemed colleague has pointed out," Huckster said. "These weapons – scattered across a vast continent and secreted in boltholes around the world – pose a standing danger to every man, woman and child in the United States. All it would take is one wily terrorist stealing one single canister to unleash pure hell in the heart of one our precious American cities – or even New York, San Francisco or New Orleans. And if there is even a one percent chance of this nightmare scenario coming true, then we are duty-bound – nay, honor-bound – to bring the full might of the American military to bear on combating the evil-doers."
"Oh yeah, they say they're working on the problem," said Saneless, grabbing the microphone away from Huckster. "They say the weapons of mass destruction will be destroyed in a few years. Just give us more time, they say. Time for what? Time for some tall, swarthy terrorist to ease his lithe, toned body into a subway or football stadium with a long, hard vial of sarin stuffed down the front of his smartly-creased pants? No! I say with our president: we will not wait on threats. We must act now."
Huckster and Saneless called on President Bush to launch an immediate attack against the rogue state. "We should follow the successful model of the Iraq invasion," said Huckster. "Start it off with a decapitation raid on the regime's leadership, then some 'shock and awe' on the capital to destroy the enemy's morale. Then mass bombing followed by—"
"An insertion of ground troops!" screamed Saneless, grabbing the microphone again. "Insert the troops! Insert them! Thrust 'em in there! Deep! Make it hurt!"
Responding to the revelations by Saneless and Huckster, President Bush ruled out a decapitation strike on the leaders of the dangerously-armed regime – "wouldn't be prudent" – but then declared that "any nation that possesses weapons of mass destruction – or even alleged weapons of mass destruction falsely reported by drunks, madmen, conmen and ideologues – deserves to have tens of thousands of its poorest and most vulnerable, most innocent people killed by the greatest fighting force that history has ever seen. And that's just what we're gonna do. The path of action is the only guaranteer of security."
A Pentagon spokesman said a campaign of air strikes and missile attacks on Liberty City, the Ninth Ward, Watts, Harlem, East St. Louis, "the entire state of Mississippi except for the gated communities," and other "pockets of the weak and worthless" will begin next week. "And we'll keep on poundin' until the regime disarms. We won't cut and run from this fight." ***