Scoop! Blog Obtains Advance Copy of State of the Union Speech

In an astonishing scoop, Empire Burlesque has obtained an advance copy of President Bush's "State of the Union" speech to be given in a few hours. We are releasing the speech now as a public service, so that our fellow citizens can be fully informed about the president's assessment of the nation's political health and his vision for the future – without having to actually look at his smirking, gooberish, sick-making face. Without further ado, here is the speech in full:

My fellow Americans. Strong. Freedom. Progress. Democracy. Stimulus. Troops. Terrorism. Terror. Tools to fight terrorism. Heroes. Stimulus. Petraeus. Freedom. Freedom isn't free. Strong. Security. Terror. Faith. History. God. God bless America.

There you have it, the whole shebang, done and dusted. Please do not waste any more of your fleeting moments on this earth with a single micro-second of futher consideration of this empty exercise in ritual gum-flapping.

You're welcome.